Sadventure Completed #3: The Body of Evidence...

By the 24th of January, I was au fait with this vegan malarky. I became discerning about which coffee shops I frequented - only those doing vegan milk-based coffee, which is practically all of them. I was particularly impresed with the vegan chocolate cake I devoured at Victoria Coffee House in Moreton in Marsh.

I have become expert at different types of vegan milk. The Barista Oat Coffee was lush, as was the soya chocolate milk I used for coffee. I learned that cocout-based products all have a hair-conditioner consistency to them and should be avoided at all costs. Almond milk is like drinking liquid Christmas Cake. Also to be swerved.

I also learned one's friends no longer invite you to dinner. Friends, Romans and Countrymen will ask you incessently whether your have lost weight yet. They will do a body inspection as they ask the question. The answer is no. They also inform you that they couldn't do Veganuary even though you don't ask. They run like hell when you suggest they try it for a day - so if you're looking for peace and solitude, veganism is definitely the way to go.

I consumed an substantial amount of loo roll and a substantial amount of vegetables. I made sure never to confuse the two. I discovered that going vegan really makes one think about what one is eating. This can only be a good thing. Especially when ingredients are listed as 'Added Flavouring'. One can only ponder whether nor not this is truly beneficial after all. One can also aquire a smugness quite by accident when sharing spaces with meat-eating heathens to counteract the feeling of deprivation.

I learnt that the ingredients lists on food packaging is shockingly small rather than an acceleration of one's failing eye-sight. Having a challenge of learning ten new recipes makes the whole process of being vegan infinitely more enjoyable, especially to avoid doing subsitution of products in tried-and-tested meals. My dishwasher is exhausted.

And finally, I learnt that the absence of cheese is one's life is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to a person.

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Jan 14th: The getting over-familiar with the toilet stage appears to be over. I expect I am at least three stone lighter. I am now no longer wanting to apologise to strangers in public loos. And the other good news: I am actually feeling healthier.

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Jan 7th: It suffers more...

A thorough detox has begun. I never knew how full of shit I was. Do now.

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Jan 3rd: It suffers...

The guts have started the rebellion. Although not ordinarily a particularly windy person, I think I could now fart out 'Happy New Year' to anyone I haven't seen since 2018.

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Jan 1st: It begins...

As of Midnight, I am vegan. I nearly sang 'So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye' in stead of Auld Lang Syne as I tipped the remains of my coffee with cow's milk down the sink. Today I have had coconut milk in my coffee, and made mushrooms on toast for my lunch with coconut creme fraiche. I can't help thinking I'm imbibing hair conditioner.

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Dec 28th: Vegan shopping.

When I went vegetarian as a teen I remember studying food labels to see what they contained. It was in the days long before they put in handy 'Suitable for Vegetarian' signs, which I note are still missing from Beef Bisto curiously.

Now I am reduced to scanning labels for 'Suitable for Vegans' signs. Easy until one realises that one must whip one's glasses up and down continuously for the labels to come into focus.

Shopping never took this long before. But I now have a fridge ready for January 1st. The Soya and Coconut Industry's newest customer is ready to go...

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#veganuary #vegan #veganfarts #thetasteofhairconditioner #veganshopping