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Sadventure Completed #26: Decluttered

Updated: Mar 28

"Tidy house, tidy mind" He said.

"But if I tidy my mind, how can I have filthy thoughts about Richard Madden?" I asked

Challenge accepted: To declutter my entire house and sheds! (I don't actually live in a messy house but I'd casually mentioned that since my last house move, I still have boxes in my shed I haven't unpacked!)

The Futility Room

I decided to start with the futility room, a sort of attachment to the side of the house, simply because I've realised it has been housing snails which have been feasting on my seedlings. And also, with a recent leak in there, it's growing several cultures of mould around the window frames - of which the whole room is made. First task: Get self into a state of preparation: a simple process of selecting what music should accompany this venture.

I discovered I own....

- a gazillion bags for life. I could flog these on ebay and pay next month's leccy. Now bagged into one large bag and fastened to the wall.

- a ton of cat food that "CAT DOES NOT DON'T LIKE" (having previously devoured it). Now donated to the neighbour's cat.

- Ex-husband's shaving foam. He buggered off two house moves ago! Binned.

- Absolutely no snails found.

Then I set about the joy of cleaning years of cobwebs, dead flies and compacted soil. Vacuum cleaner immediately blocked. Having dismantled the entire unit, I discovered that the blockage was at the top of the pipe and would have just taken a shake to unlodge it.

And after that, I bleached all the surfaces and window frames. If bleach whitens, then why does the water get increasingly more brown?

In all, one bin bag filled and my Futility Room is now much more of a Utility Room.

The kitchen

Didn't need doing after the plumber accidentally dislodged the dishwaster waste pipe last week and flooded the kitchen so I'd already decluttered the only cupboard that was a stockpile of shite. I'd moved it all to the Futility Room.

The Cupboard Under the Stairs

I was dreading this bit. It's been a long time since I've been in there and I was terrified I might disturb a Harry Potter.


- 20+ spiders

- A plethera of instruction manuals for appliances long since gone to the dump

- An old shower head. I'm still wondering where the hell I obtained this from?

- A ton of out of date medications

- 2 empty aerosol canisters

- an old vacuum cleaner

- a bundle of stuff that would be better in the shed, or in the office, or in the man drawers...

- the cat (several times)

- one bin bag of rubbish


- A pair of new running shoes I didn't know I owned.

Under the stairs is now looking like a speak-easy chemist den (which means the bathroom is also decluttered!)

The Man Drawers

Unlike, Michael McIntyre I have several man drawers, despite not being a man. He sums up the contents of all my drawers in the welsh dresser and the coffee table.


- 85 US dollars and some Mexican Pesos

- 3 old mobile phones

- 1,003 pens that I could never find when I needed them


- My spare quadbike keys

- An entire Saturday afternoon

With that, I realised I had been decluttering for a whopping six hours and fifteen minutes and I was running late for my Saturday evening appointment. The quickest bath in the world was had, although I was somewhat disconcerted to share it with a spider carcass. Then I charged up the obstacle course that is now my staircase.

Downstairs is officially de-cluttered. The floors are a mess, but I do have Britain's most tidy drawers.

The Sheds

It was a toss up between doing the office and bedrooms v. the sheds. The sunshine indicated that summer had arrived at long last, and most likely it would be over by mid-afternoon, so I opted for the sheds. It started raining just as I retrieved the shed keys.

The other bonus is that it is bin emptying day.

The final consideration: clearing out bedrooms and office would involve stairs. Legs still too sore for all that malarky.

With that enormous decision making process decided, I simply needed to get dressed as it simply will not do to do it in one's dressing gown. Sure, one can vacuum a house, water the plants, put the bins out and indeed go out into public spaces in a dressing gown, but decluttering one's sheds is most unbecoming.

And also have lunch. And bring in the now empty wheelie bin. And feed the cat.


- Three, yes three, vacuum cleaners. It is said that James Dyson spent 15 years in a shed building 5,127 prototypes of his vacuum cleaner. He should have used my shed - they breed all of their own accord.

- Two boxes of stuff to flog on ebay

- Three, yes three random man-sized gloves all fitting the right hand.

- Three, yes three, dust pans. No corresponding brushes.

- One overflowing wheelie bin. Just 14 days 'til bin day.


- One bicycle. Just in case I lose my marbles.

- £13.06. Slightly rusted.

The cat even helped out by removing a lot of the cobwebs.

The office

I was dreading this one.

7 number of trips up and down the stairs

6 buckets of sweat produced

4 cups of tea drunk

3 Bin bags filled

1 Bowl I've been looking for for ages


Two wardrobes full of...

stuff I was going to sew/repair and never have

stuff I'm waiting to lose weight to wear

stuff I'll never been seen dead in again

stuff I bought because it was a bargain, and is now unspeakably hideous.

stuff that's been crumpled in the back of the wardrobe for years

suits I last wore in 2000

It's fair to say that I was well prepared for Narnia.

I pulled out everything and immediately dumped it on my bed. For quite a while I believed I would not be making it to bed this side of Christmas.

In the optimistic hope that summer arrives soon, I now have a winter and summer collection organised across two separate wardrobes. The coat hangers now all face the same way and I even have a sportswear section!

Wheelie bin fit to bursting. Next fortnight's rubbish collection is waiting alongside! As is the fortnight's after.

No doubt next week I'll be needing a hideous red top and a pair of trousers with a perpetually descending zipper.

Sadventure complete.

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