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Don't be a Kent...

Kent should be a euphemism for scatterbrained because I have never gone to so many places and completely passed them by absentmindedly until I went to the county of#Kent. I’ve hung about Kent for years: I even took my driving test there and, remarkably, passed to the astonishment of at least three drivers: me, and the two people who honked their horns furiously this morning.

What I didn’t know was how utterly careless Kent's Administration could be. #Kent, as a county, has existed since the #Celts mooched about the place. Once upon a time, it even extended into parts of #Surrey, #Sussex and #GreaterLondon.

Not so any more. As recently as 1988, Kent has had lumps scythed out of it. One can understand why Kent was content to give away #PrattsBottom to the newly-established borough of #Bromley, but to also forfeit #Bexley, #Greenwich and #Lewisham without a smidgen of an outcry is just a tad remiss. Especially as #Bromley also is host to the district of #Penge, a word currently under consideration as a new entrant in the dictionary. I'm told it’s slang for "great" but to the more conservatively-minded it simply means "head".

This shifting of the boroughs also means that @NigelFarage, who was born in Kent, is no longer a man of Kent at all, but of Bromley. Oddly, #JuliusCaesar considered the Kentish people to be the most civilised. High praise indeed. People of Kent, however, were an entirely different story. Although, I think Julius was being, at best, diplomatic but more likely disingenuous. I’d argue he meant: pliable. It seems they are devotedly people-pleasing bordering on neglectful. As #London expanded, it took to annexing entire chunks of Kent and there wasn’t so much of a sniffle of civil war or even covert resistance.

The resident Kentish monks of Norman times were also inclined to rewrite history: making the preposterous claim that the county has never been conquered. Yet, there are enough #Roman forts knocking about to suggest that the Monks probably had too much mead. And the #Vikings certainly loved a bit of #Kent. Oh, further back still, the Anglo-Saxons? Loved a bit of fort, they did. That’s why there’s so many “burys” ‘cos that’s what we used to call a good fort, for example: #Canterbury. Bury of Cant, or to use a more modern vernacular, Fort of Kent.

In more recent times, #Kent has also permitted the breakaway group now fashioned as #Medway. Although #KentCountyCouncil claims it is still a part of #Kent, #MedwayCountyCouncil announced itself a unitary authority in 1998. This explains why the council of Kent-but-not-all-Kent, also has the dubious honour of having the only city in the world that forgot to re-register itself as a city. #Rochester, a noble cathedral city for eight hundred years, is now a simple town despite formerly being Kent’s second in command, just behind #Canterbury. It took the council four years to notice.

So with that in mind, someone should probably write and let them know that the towns of Twit (#Twitton) and, seventy miles to the west, the homesteads of Twit (#Twitham) seem to have been rebranded into #Otley or just forgotten after the #Sandwich. I found this, or rather the absence of them, most disappointing.

#KentCountyCouncil is also prone to forgetting to signpost its villages. Added to which, there’s also the “missing in action phenomena”. My phone completely forgot to store a picture of #PettBottom” and I completely forgot to take a photograph of #Lyminge. “Ly” in Old English means ‘having the body of’ or ‘being like something’. And “minge”, if you were wondering, is a Romani Gypsy word for minge. Or vagina if you wish to be biological about it all.

Being so starkly descriptive is atypical of Kent - it is a terribly prissy place and very keen to remind everyone that Henry VIII proclaimed it the #GardenofEngland. Well, he would know. But the people of Kent seem to have forgotten to actually indicate certain hamlets or districts of interest. #Hernhill, for example, is widely considered to be an exquisite, and much admired village, populated by the prosperous. It is nestled amongst some equally charming hamlets. One of which used to be called #Slutshole. Not anymore it isn’t. #ClapHillHill is more commonly known as #Aldington. The very long hamlets of #Bush have divided themselves into #UpperBush and #LowerBush, but you’d be hard pressed to know because they don’t like to show themselves to passing motorists no matter how many times I curb-crawled along the surrounding lanes.

Likewise, I assume the former hamlets of #Buttshole and #Milebush have been vanquished for their censorial qualities. Similarly, #StiffStreet, which was a hamlet snuggling into the fast moving M2 has seemingly dissolved.

It was almost a relief to get to #Shorne and #Thong because at least there was something to write home about, and it was impossible to miss #LordsWood, although #ShorneWood was much more appealing. And that’s about as filthy as Kent gets, nothing more offensive than a bloody good euphemism - I'm presume just in case the audience gets up and sods off to Bromley.

From there I was delighted to happen upon “#Noah’sArk”. Not that there’s anything worth tittering about there but I’d always assumed it was in #Iraq. Given the above, it is perfectly feasible that the Kents either made Noah’s Ark up, misplaced it or gave it away. Probably all three.

Assuming the story is rooted in fact, then clearly Noah expected the animals to fornicate without much assistance. Quite why he made an exception when it came to the badgers is anyone’s guess. Here’s their biblical instructions:

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